The first mask
Was to be what everyone wanted of me.
Smart. Cute. Happy. Docile. Obedient. Everything a good child should be.
But I was just an actor in a role I never signed up to play.
A pawn with no life of his own.
A blank slate for those who dreamed of days long past.
The mask shifted as I grew older.
Child became teen
And the second mask
Was one of instability and helplessness.
Broken, the manic pixie dream boy they always wanted.
Maybe I wouldn’t be cast aside so easily.
“Fix me, and break me, and fix me again, please.”
Because everyone loves a pet project.
A little lie to draw them in.
“I had a dream about you, what do you say we make it a reality?”
The third mask
Where I became the slut so desperate for the love I was never given
A mask behind which I committed
Sins so foul that my soul will always remain tainted
In the name of not being abandoned again.
Shrouded the reasoning in lies just so I could repeat it again and again.
“Please, care about me. I need someone to take care of me.”
Just so I wouldn’t be alone.
The blood in my mouth from the truth withheld in an effort to make someone care.
I was no better than what I claimed of any of them.
I was no better.
Proving, that just maybe people are right to say what they think of this disorder.
Because it’s what I’ve always done, isn’t it?
Charm. Lie. Hurt. Beg. Repeat.
Blood, dripping down my nails
As I claw at my proverbial throat
Begging myself for sanity.
To end this madness.
Masks forged with a lifetime of neglect
Tailor made to charm whoever I spoke to
A revolving door of so many personalities
I could never quite get a handle on
And in the process I
Became a pale imitation of what it means to be human.
Lie after lie mounted the tension within the masks and
They began to crumble
Pieces strewn at my feet, a monument to my failures
Revealing what lay underneath
Nothing more than a collection of secrets, mistakes, and sins
Who I am at my core is no one.
I am everyone.
It is whoever you need me to be
Whoever you need me to be so that maybe this time I won’t be alone.