The First Letter

Cross-posted to my Ao3 account.

For my dearest parents, I suppose.

It has been a long while since this subject has been broached between us and I must stand back no longer for things need to change.

I am uncertain what you have become aware of nor what you may have inferred, given my recent behaviour – but I suppose an introduction of sorts is in order. I am ■■■■■■ ■■■■■■■ ■■■■■■■, and I have only ever been your son. Though you only see of me what you wish and always have, I am not to fault for that.

I write to you not to ask you for succor nor acceptance. I simply ask for your respect and that you do not interfere with the life I have created for myself. That whom you knew before was nothing but an act I simply had to indulge in to keep the peace, and in doing so, I understand I may have caused irreparable harm. I have spent many nights awake with grief and guilt on the subject – so you must know that I will no longer heed the call of my former name for that is not and has never been me.

I do not know where life may take me from here, but please know that I will be forging every turn by hand on my own terms now and will lay each and every brick out with a devotion to only myself. You told me once I was blinded because of this notion that I could ever live as myself – that I was a silly child even in my twenties to consider that I was anything but a woman. That I was wrong, even. To that, I ask who are you to tell me who I am? I am a man of my own making and naught will tear that from me – not again. I am not a failure for the conditions of my existence and I will not suffer you telling me otherwise. I will not bear the burden of a crime I did not commit, for the sin of my own existence. For you to tell me you do not believe that I know myself better than anyone is quite frankly a cutting blow. 

The signs were clear and plenty throughout the years though you remained ignorant and I myself too fearful to ever bring it up. Perhaps were this an earlier life, I’d have listened to your instruction and been obedient. I would have accepted the fate of being nothing but an incubator for new life and I would have pretended to be happy, married to a man who loved me as a husband loves his wife and not as a man loves another man,  knowing full well I was made for anything but that. And it is that thought I cannot abide – I cannot be who you want me to be, and as such, I must divest myself from you, save one condition – acceptance. Were you to wholeheartedly accept me, maybe things could be different, but until you change, until this world changes, I fear that cannot happen.

I will play my part and play it well as society must be overhauled should I ever hope to live in peace. I will die for this cause if I must, knowing that others like me can see hope on a horizon where we are not ostracized for the circumstances of our birth, but instead praised for who we’ve made of ourselves.

If we may never meet again, know that I would rather die as the man I am than spend an eternity drowned in unerring misery as a husk of a person who could never reach their true potential. I will etch this into my very bones and move forward as only I can. My fate is my own and I will not falter.

Most Sincerely,

■■■■■■ ■■■■■■■ ■■■■■■■, Your Son


The first mask
Was to be what everyone wanted of me.
Smart. Cute. Happy. Docile. Obedient. Everything a good child should be.
But I was just an actor in a role I never signed up to play.
A pawn with no life of his own. 
A blank slate for those who dreamed of days long past.

The mask shifted as I grew older.
Child became teen
And the second mask
Was one of instability and helplessness.
Broken, the manic pixie dream boy they always wanted.
Maybe I wouldn’t be cast aside so easily. 
“Fix me, and break me, and fix me again, please.”
Because everyone loves a pet project.

A little lie to draw them in.
“I had a dream about you, what do you say we make it a reality?”
The third mask
Where I became the slut so desperate for the love I was never given
A mask behind which I committed
Sins so foul that my soul will always remain tainted
In the name of not being abandoned again.
Shrouded the reasoning in lies just so I could repeat it again and again.
“Please, care about me. I need someone to take care of me.”
Just so I wouldn’t be alone.

The blood in my mouth from the truth withheld in an effort to make someone care.
I was no better than what I claimed of any of them.
I was no better.
Proving, that just maybe people are right to say what they think of this disorder.
Because it’s what I’ve always done, isn’t it?
Charm. Lie. Hurt. Beg. Repeat.
Blood, dripping down my nails
As I claw at my proverbial throat
Begging myself for sanity.
To end this madness.

Masks forged with a lifetime of neglect
Tailor made to charm whoever I spoke to
A revolving door of so many personalities
I could never quite get a handle on
And in the process I
Became a pale imitation of what it means to be human.

Lie after lie mounted the tension within the masks and
They began to crumble
Pieces strewn at my feet, a monument to my failures
Revealing what lay underneath
Nothing more than a collection of secrets, mistakes, and sins
Who I am at my core is no one.
I am everyone.
It is whoever you need me to be
Whoever you need me to be so that maybe this time I won’t be alone.

Clemency of the Self

It’s a weird feeling when you’ve pulled out the final stick from who you claimed to be and the structure fell upon you. And you’re there, standing in the ruins, alone.

There’s a core to you, of course, but who really are you when you dust settles? After so long with something so false you tried to make yourself believe it, too… but it’s collapsed and there’s nothing of substance left of you. 

So you built it anew. There’s not much else you can do, right? You’ve got to reforge yourself into who you were meant to be, not the lie you relied on for decades to keep yourself safe.

But it’s terrifying, isn’t it? But in the destruction of everything you were, you can see a road far worse than the one you’ve chosen to walk. Don’t look back.

And when next you look in the mirror and still don’t recognise yourself, you’ll realize eventually, maybe, it’ll be okay. 

The pillars crumbled from within. Bit by bit, it ate away at you, unable to hold such a secret over everyone. It wasn’t the secret itself though, was it. It was how it made you feel.

How it made you come undone in all of the worst possible ways when you couldn’t sleep in the middle of the night, sure that no one had ever felt as low as you did. 

Brick by brick, the gnawing sensation inside your ribcage that told you “this is wrong” ate away at you until there was nothing left. Nothing to turn to. No one to relate to you. So you bit the proverbial bullet lest you bite the literal one.

You threw off the cloth suppressing your true being and you told them. You told them the truth for once. You let all your carefully crafted masks shatter under the weight of being yourself.

And sure, maybe this wasn’t what you’d ever intended. Without those masks, could you really tell who you’re meant to be?

You’ve built yourself up into someone new; you’ve watched as the dust settled. You’re free now. Free to be who you want to be, who you need to be. You’re no longer bound by the shackles of others’ ideals of who you should be.

You’re you, after all. And that’s all you can be.

Can We Do This Again?

He smiled as he tucked the peony behind my ear. I couldn’t contain my blush as I felt his skin connect with mine. A deep sigh escaped me as I grabbed his hand as he slowly dropped it, interlacing our fingers. 

He placed his forehead against mine and I felt the world stop turning – time was stopped in that moment. He dipped his head and kissed me softly and for a minute, nothing else mattered. 

“You, my darling, are incredible,” Julius purred in my ear as he pulled away, “you are the sun and the stars both.”

“Can we do this again?” I asked, avoiding his gaze, “nothing matters when I’m with you. You take my breath away.”

“Of course, my dear. We can do this whenever you’d like,” he smiled as he laid back on the grass and I quickly followed suit.

I’m still unsure how long we laid together, talking about everything and nothing, hand in hand. The only thing I knew is there was nowhere I’d rather have been and no one else I’d rather have been with.

An Edgar Allan Poe Parody by Metari

A paladin in a black gladiator's uniform, wielding a glowing sword and shield.

I queue up for the raid now! 
And, in playing for you, vow
My enmity I do sow —
You are not wrong, my force,
My games ‘til now have been quite coarse;
Our main tank has gone afk
In my plight, ah, yet I stray,
With my stance, or without one,
My lack of provoke is no less wrong
The only time we use our blade
Is but a raid within a raid.

I stand amid the hell
Cast a divine-aspected spell,
And I hold within my sword
Fragments of the Heavens’ Ward —
A coup! yet how I leap
Through my foes upon the heap,
My sword glows — my sword glows!
O Halone! Can I not denounce
Them with a sudden pounce?
O Halone! can I not save even
One from the relentless cleaves?
Is the only time we use our blade
But a raid within a raid?

To New Beginnings

I’m trying to determine what would be the best for this blog. I’m leaning towards my thoughts on video games, board games, card games, and ttrpgs, while trying to throw in splashes of marketing, psychology, and how these topics relate to those aforementioned. DIYs relating to these subjects may also be covered.

I will be covering a wide variety on each subject, and I will also probably be doing reviews of games that I play, starting with some I’ve already played.

If there’s any game you’d like to see featured here, especially if it is your own game, please let me know, and I will definitely make the time to do so.

I intend to start up next week, I just want to make sure everything I need to is done first!

Enjoy your day.

Marketing is Just Psychology, Really

It’s not hard to tell that everything in this world revolves around some form of psychology, but few areas of study and the economy are so tied with psychology like marketing. To be able to sell, you must know who you’re selling to, where they’re at, and why they’d want to buy your product. This is where the psychology of it all comes into play.

However, the goal is to make the customer feel like they would feel better owning your product, about themselves and their life. This is fine in most cases. What I have a problem with is when marketing so often uses people’s flaws, be they real or perceived, against them. I find it predatory.

We see this a lot with multi-level marketing (MLM) and direct sales schemes (which are effectively pyramid schemes that have a product, but require recruitment). For example, I’m a member of several anti-MLM groups on Facebook. I cannot count the number of times I have seen messages from “huns,” the people who sell these products, comment on someone’s body weight. Oft-times, these people who are targeted have eating disorders they’re overcoming and don’t want to lose the weight, or have literally just had a kid, and it’s only natural.

People deserve better than companies, representatives, and entities that are effectively bullying them.