The First Letter

Cross-posted to my Ao3 account.

For my dearest parents, I suppose.

It has been a long while since this subject has been broached between us and I must stand back no longer for things need to change.

I am uncertain what you have become aware of nor what you may have inferred, given my recent behaviour – but I suppose an introduction of sorts is in order. I am ■■■■■■ ■■■■■■■ ■■■■■■■, and I have only ever been your son. Though you only see of me what you wish and always have, I am not to fault for that.

I write to you not to ask you for succor nor acceptance. I simply ask for your respect and that you do not interfere with the life I have created for myself. That whom you knew before was nothing but an act I simply had to indulge in to keep the peace, and in doing so, I understand I may have caused irreparable harm. I have spent many nights awake with grief and guilt on the subject – so you must know that I will no longer heed the call of my former name for that is not and has never been me.

I do not know where life may take me from here, but please know that I will be forging every turn by hand on my own terms now and will lay each and every brick out with a devotion to only myself. You told me once I was blinded because of this notion that I could ever live as myself – that I was a silly child even in my twenties to consider that I was anything but a woman. That I was wrong, even. To that, I ask who are you to tell me who I am? I am a man of my own making and naught will tear that from me – not again. I am not a failure for the conditions of my existence and I will not suffer you telling me otherwise. I will not bear the burden of a crime I did not commit, for the sin of my own existence. For you to tell me you do not believe that I know myself better than anyone is quite frankly a cutting blow. 

The signs were clear and plenty throughout the years though you remained ignorant and I myself too fearful to ever bring it up. Perhaps were this an earlier life, I’d have listened to your instruction and been obedient. I would have accepted the fate of being nothing but an incubator for new life and I would have pretended to be happy, married to a man who loved me as a husband loves his wife and not as a man loves another man,  knowing full well I was made for anything but that. And it is that thought I cannot abide – I cannot be who you want me to be, and as such, I must divest myself from you, save one condition – acceptance. Were you to wholeheartedly accept me, maybe things could be different, but until you change, until this world changes, I fear that cannot happen.

I will play my part and play it well as society must be overhauled should I ever hope to live in peace. I will die for this cause if I must, knowing that others like me can see hope on a horizon where we are not ostracized for the circumstances of our birth, but instead praised for who we’ve made of ourselves.

If we may never meet again, know that I would rather die as the man I am than spend an eternity drowned in unerring misery as a husk of a person who could never reach their true potential. I will etch this into my very bones and move forward as only I can. My fate is my own and I will not falter.

Most Sincerely,

■■■■■■ ■■■■■■■ ■■■■■■■, Your Son